Rough Drafts
A Series of Pieces Written in The Wild
#1
I am doing the best I can, I hear my parents say over and over again. A refrain from a ballad that’s not very good but seems to hold much meaning for them. I try to follow that train of thought but I’m in a cafe in Kentish Town in a writing group I’ve recently joined. A wave of chatter has just broken out and it’s very distracting. I’m new enough to not really feel a part of the group yet but regular enough to know when to join in and when to tune out. One of the members is speaking about difficult family dynamics they are currently navigating and Maya Angelou leaves her lips, “Believe people when they show you who they are.” It’s a hard truth but paves a much easier road forward. I spent so much time in the past rationalizing the way people behave, offering grace for those who never showed themselves capable of it in return. I think of all the relationships I passively fell into and actively maintained while leaning on one side without a hand to reach out to help me regain balance. I have no idea if that sentence makes any sense. I guess that’s my way of saying I’ve had a lot of one-sided relationships and I’m sure there are those who’ve felt that way about relationships with me. The thing about doing the best you can sometimes means taking care of only yourself because trust in others has been so damaged. Take what’s being offered because you’ll never know how long you have to make it last before you’re completely on your own again. There seems to be a fine line between taking advantage and asking for help. Maybe if Americans were more community minded it would be easier to know the difference, but we’re in a culture that deems everyone an imposition. Even ourselves. When I typed the word “community” it autocorrected as communist as first. The essence of the sentence would be somewhat the same but a bit heavier. I am doing the best I can. A refrain I sing to myself when I feel like shit or like I’m behind or like I don’t know what I’m doing or when I need a lesson in forgiveness. I hold myself tight in that phrase knowing it is not an excuse but an embrace.
