Rough Drafts
A Series of Pieces Written in The Wild
#15
I saw Regina Spektor in concert last night and as she sang Fidelity I thought about the lyrics, “I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind. All of these voices I hear in my mind. All of these words I hear in my mind. And it breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart.” And I connected on a level I never had before. I’ve lived a life walking to a soundtrack that only I can hear. A beat undecipherable to many others and an indescribable shock for me knowing others couldn’t hear it or didn’t want to in some cases. I much preferred the words in my mind to the ones outside telling me what to do, but somehow those words wormed their way in too. Causing conflict and confusion, my mind a minefield and me, afraid of what would happen if I blew up.
Would all the songs and music burst forth from my body in a cacophony of sound too grating and abhorrent to the average listener? A symphony of loathing, shame, a little authoritarian at the crescendo trying to prove its worthiness. The battle cries and hidden sobs. The loneliness and tenderness sinking as the sadness drowns their softness out. And then there’s a blast of confetti that sounds like cheers in a stadium, a loud triumph, a giant spectacle just because I said “no” to a dinner or “yes” to a stroll in the park.
When I sit down with a pen pressed to the paper all of these words and all of these voices get to have their moment. They get to speak to me clearly and uninterrupted. Argue their points, crack jokes, cry in my arms, and embrace me back. I hear in my mind all of this music and it breaks my heart, it makes me whole, it helps me get clear on my values, and plan ahead. The chatter is always there. That is the nature of the mind. I learned that in meditation class. It’s not something to escape or try to quiet, but something to accept and learn to lovingly embrace. Or, if love feels like too strong a word, neutrally embrace instead. Neutrality helps me to see the tornado, gaze in awe of its power and strength, its movement and form, and give it the space to move along its path without getting swept up in the process. Sometimes that tornado turns into a light breeze. Gentle and the right amount of cool.
I hope the music never stops. I hope my mind is forever filled with melodies to carry me through one stage to the next. A soundtrack to my life that only I can hear, that’s meant only for me.
